Trigger warning: depression, suicidal ideation. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

I touched briefly on my experience with depression in a previous blog post. That blog post left me feeling super uncomfortable and vulnerable; it also gave me a lot of positive feedback, about how many people it helped.

So, I’ve decided to just let myself be uncomfortable and vulnerable, and share yet another raw honest experience with you today.

I’ve been dealing with depression since high school.

But I didn’t know it was depression until my freshman year of college. I remember when I made that discovery, it brought me a really odd sense of relief. It didn’t fix the issue in any way, but it was incredibly validating to be able to put a name to what I was feeling.

I was always REALLY good at hiding my depression. As a dance major, I was always busy with either a thousand and one dance rehearsals, or goofing off with my roommates (aka my besties). As long as I stayed busy, I didn’t give myself opportunities to feel depressed, and was able to pretend like everything was fine.

Also, I despise any form of conflict. For those who are familiar with the enneagram, I am a 9w1, which means I am VERY motivated by peace. I just want peace always, and I will go to great lengths to ensure there is peace in my life and in my surroundings. So I’ve always struggled with sharing my challenges with others, for fear of causing some kind of disruption of peace. I am certain that if I had wanted to talk about it with my roommates, they would have been incredibly helpful, loving, and supportive of me!

But, I didn’t. Instead, I shoved allllllllll those feelings deep down inside, and numbed it all. I thought managing depression was as simple as that. I thought that because I was surrounded by people I loved, doing what I loved (dancing for hours upon hours every day), that was the best antidepressant a person could ask for.

I didn’t recognize the danger of relying on those external factors for my mental health.

I am an introvert. I adore having meaningful conversations with other humans, but at the end of the day, I NEED my alone time in order to recharge. So when I graduated college, and moved to Utah to live my big girl life, knowing I would have much more alone time than I’d ever had before, I was stoked! I thought I’d be able to have so much personal growth, finally have the time to read all those books I’d been meaning to get to, take on all those fun crafts on Pinterest I’d been dying to do…

But then I spiraled. I spiraled hard, I spiraled fast, and I spiraled deep.

Having all of that alone time had forced me to actually face the monster of depression that I had been muffling for so many years. And it was pissed. It demanded to be heard.

That part of my life is all kind of a blur to me. I remember accepting pretty much any offer for overtime that I got (which was a lot), just so I would have something to keep me busy. But I also remember occasionally getting to the point where I couldn’t hide from my feelings anymore, and couldn’t convince myself to even get out of bed. I would text my supervisor to let her know I couldn’t make it in to work…and she would push me to try to make it in anyway. I know she didn’t intend for this, but it added a nice, thick layer of guilt onto my situation.

I have recently had the revelation that much of my depression has stemmed from feeling not only insignificant, but also an inconvenience. I don’t like to make waves, or cause any kind of disturbance, remember? So when I didn’t feel mentally or physically able to go to work, I also felt this incredible guilt that my issues were causing trouble for someone else. And that made me spiral deeper and deeper every time.

So then I would try harder to force those feelings away by numbing and ignoring them,

so I could better show up for my coworkers. And if you were to ask any of them…my coworkers, supervisors, boss, other people I came across through the course of my work day…none of them would have had any clue that I was dealing with all of this turmoil. I was the model employee. I was constantly having praises sung at me by my boss and supervisor. I was always being thanked for my warm, compassionate service. I was surrounded by all of this beautiful validation…but I didn’t believe I deserved any of it. I felt like a complete fraud.

I would get off work, listen to Sara Bareilles in the car on my way to pick up some fast food (usually from either Panda Express or Iceberg), then go home to eat it while binge watching Big Bang Theory, Friends, or The Office.

At the time, I also had this really weird long-distance “relationship” that was causing me serious anxiety. I won’t get into that here, but suffice it to say it was a huge internal struggle for me.

It was during this time of my life that I finally came to understand why there are people who commit suicide.

I never seriously considered it for myself…but it was a thought that crossed my mind very often. I would say at least several times a week, if not daily, I would wish that I just didn’t exist anymore. I didn’t want to actually do the deed, because I knew how selfish it would be of me to put that burden on those left behind. I wanted to just *poof* out of existence.

{disclaimer: selfish is a really harsh word, and if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, I want you to know that I am only sharing this from my very personal, singular perspective. If this is something you are struggling with right now, I deeply implore you to reach out to someone you trust to get the proper help and support that you need and completely deserve}

And the thing that had frustrated me the most about all of this was that I was doing all of the “right” things that “should” have made me feel better. I was working out nearly every day. I was saying my prayers, reading my scriptures, going to church, going to the temple. Besides when I would eat fast food, I was doing my best to eat nutritiously, and drink plenty of water.

In my mind, I was doing everything I “should” have been doing. But none of it was helping. So I gave myself the hope that once I finally got married, that would “fix” it.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

Yes, it was blissful getting married, and knowing that I had someone by my side who loved me unconditionally.

But it was not the “cure” I hoped it would be.

I still struggled. I still called in “sick” to work from time to time, for lack of the mental capability to show up (shoutout to my incredible supervisor at my new job who was SO supportive and compassionate toward me and my situation…she was seriously a life saver).

And then I went through severe postpartum depression and anxiety after I had my first baby.

But again, I don’t like to make a fuss of anything, and I tend to try to just handle everything on my own…so when my husband encouraged me to talk to my doctor about it, I did; but I downplayed it a lot, and instead of putting me on medication, my doctor just advised that I make getting some alone time a priority. That did help some, but I really should have advocated more strongly for myself, and I wish I had.

But eventually, it got better. Then it would get worse again. Then it would get better. And this was the pattern I went through, and I thought I was okay with it. Because it did feel like every time it got worse, that mayyyyyybe…just maybe it wasn’t quite as bad as before.

And then…I started learning actual methods and techniques of managing it.

I stopped trying to rely on external sources (like validation from others), and started to learn how to trust myself.

I learned on a deeper level how huge exercise and movement are for keeping my mental health in check.

Along with continuing to do all the things I had been doing previously: praying, studying my scriptures, going to church, etc. Those things may not have felt like they were doing anything for me at the time, but I can see now how they helped keep just enough light in my life to keep my head above water. Even if it didn’t feel like it.

And the most recent, and by far the biggest learning of all: I learned how to safely FEEL all the things. I let myself feel fear. I let myself feel awkward. I let myself feel insignificant. I let myself feel depression. To be honest, it was pretty scary at first. I thought it would cause me to spiral deeper again, which I was completely terrified of – especially now being a wife and mother. But I also knew that it wasn’t serving me to let my life be driven by fear.

So I simply felt.

And I was completely shocked when those feelings dissipated MUCH quicker than they ever had in my life.

Turns out, these feelings just needed validation. They just needed to be heard, felt, and experienced. And then they were willing to move on.

I still deal with challenging emotions. But I have learned how to manage them much more efficiently.

I don’t regret any of my past. Nor do I hold any bitterness toward it.

Not one bit of it. Because without it, I never would have learned what I’ve learned. And I would NOT be here to teach those learnings to you.

I have some incredibly invaluable pieces of that learning coming your way very soon, and I am just completely filled with peace and joy knowing how completely they will improve your life. Whether your life is currently a challenge, or whether it’s a completely blissful dream…these opportunities coming your way will help you take it to the next level (little plug to remind you to make sure you’re on my email list so that you don’t miss out on these options).

And lastly – I just want to remind you: if you’re going through dark times right now, I know how miserable it is. I’ve been there. I’ve been in the dark…and I’ve also been in the light. And I know that sometimes the light can seem scary or impossible. But I want to tell you that it is so incredibly worth it…and your time in the dark is going to make the light just that much more beautiful when you do inevitably arrive.

Let me know if you would like my guidance you as you make your arrival into that light.